“I’m Armenian, but I was born in Beirut, Lebanon, with my parents being so harsh. The political climate was always war. That’s how I grew up, with that fear. There’s no peace at home. There’s no peace outside.
“My dad was a fundamental Christian. He killed the joy of everything. One day he caught me masturbating and he yelled at me and told me that God doesn’t approve of that. He killed the joy– the basic joy– he killed it. That’s how I grew up: always with fear, always with a lack of confidence.
“I was 17 years old in the 60s… you know, to watch the Beatles and to think, “I want to have long hair!” But no: hair has to be cut in an army cut. Whenever I went to the barber, my dad came with me. He wanted to be sure that my hair was cut the way that he wants. So they cut all my hair, so my cheeks come out, and I felt fat, I felt not sexy, girls were not going to like me. I had that constant negativity.
“But something I’m proud of is my resilience. I don’t know how, through all those difficulties. My dad used to spank me– bleeding to death, that’s how horrible it was– and then he’d go to the altar and pray. And that’s one of the reasons I never connected with God and Jesus, because if [my dad] was a Christian- God’s person- and he can do this bad thing, and God is approving, God isn’t holding his hand saying ‘leave the kid alone, he’s just a kid.’ He didn’t say that. So, I have my doubts about God and religion. At my age, I can honestly say I’m an atheist. I don’t believe in anything.
“I have depression. I take anti-depressants, I take medicine, I see a therapist every week, but the depression is not going away. Every experience I start with great hope: ‘Oh my gosh this is going to change my life.’ But, no: I’m a depressed person. And I don’t know what to do about depression; it’s always there. I get excited- I do this- you called me- I come here- it’s fun. But inside of me, I have that darkness.
“When I saw your photographs, the children, so happy, so light, so normal. The picture of the kid that was laying on the armchair with his legs up– I saw that and thought, ‘I wish I was that kid.’ Even when I see kindergarten kids at school, having fun, walking out from school… I cry. I never had that.
“I’m a follower of Buddhism. I do meditate every day. 30 minutes a day. Morning 30 minutes, and in the evening 30 minutes. It’s what keeps me going. It’s why I’m able to notice what I’m feeling without being overwhelmed by it.
“I don’t go out drinking, I don’t smoke, a lot of people in my situation might do that. I don’t. I cannot say I’m proud of it, because it’s not me, but something in my chemistry, my DNA, whatever, pulled me out of that. That’s why I do art. During art, I don’t think about depression. Art lifts me up and puts me in another dimension.”
Big Talk is a free portrait and story session that offers a chance to reflect on meaningful questions while sharing a piece of your story. Stories and portraits are shared here, with the goal of cultivating a sense of belonging and shared humanity in our community and beyond.
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